Are you a Parent Leader?

A Parent Leader thinks differently and asks different questions of themselves and their child

For example, instead of asking, “Why will my child not do anything I ask?” they will ask, “What do I need to do to teach my child responsibility?”
Instead of, “What is wrong with my child and how can I fix this?” they will ask, “What do I need to change about my style to support my child in this result?
Instead of “Why does my child always speak to me in this way?” they ask, “What am I doing that is allowing another person to treat me like this?”
Instead of. “I don’t think my child could handle that!” they ask, “If I believe my child could handle this, would I behave differently?”

As you can see, it is entirely a different mindset and as I am sure you can imagine, it produces different results than merely parenting, whatever that is anyway.

So how can you access your leadership and what is required of a good parent leader?

For this I want to turn to the great book, The Four Fold Way, which draws on ancient wisdom and I believe can show us the way forward. In ancient wisdom it was believed that to raise a well adjusted child, four types of leadership were required; the way of the Warrior, Teacher, Visionary and Healer. Now in ancient and past times, children would have gone to different people for these things and certainly within tribes, people would have been given these designated jobs. Think of your own childhood, who was the person you went to when you needed someone to be strong. What about when you needed to heal some pain or have someone gets excited about your future plans? Anyway, you see where I am going. Now in modern day society, this does not happen. Children don’t have these different people to go to so as the Parent, we need to search inside ourselves and learn to become all of them when our child needs us to.

So let’s look at them.

The Warrior.

The warrior is the one with strength in a crisis; someone who a child will go to for strength. Fundamentally, the warrior is someone who is truly present in the moment, shows honour and respect for all, communicates clearly and effectively, sets limits and boundaries and is responsible and disciplined.
Interestingly enough, this is my preferred type of leadership and parents who come to me are likely to be weak in this area.
So how can you improve in this area?

1. Look at how you are fully present with your children and look at what you could change in this area.

2. Think of the word respect; we use it so much in terms of children and the lack of it. The term respect comes from the Latin word raspier which means the willingness to look again. The warrior is willing to take another look rather than remain stuck – are you, as a parent, willing to look again at the situation or at your child?

3. Clear communication – do you mean what you say and say what you mean? A misalignment between your words and actions always results in a loss of power and effectiveness.

4. The warrior knows how to be a flexible negotiator and is able to say no, this is my limit and yes, this is something I am willing to do.

5. Discipline means a discipline unto oneself, which is where we need to start. Do you honour your own rhythm?

6. Warriors use their power to empower themselves and others, not overpower.

The Healer.

The healer will pay attention to what has heart and meaning and know that the power of love is the most potent healer. The healer is an expert in acknowledgment, acceptance, recognition, validation and gratitude.

So how can you improve in this area?

1. Remember not to run in and fix. Healing is a life-long journey in which the individual lesson must be learnt. Sometimes we must allow our children to take their own path.

2. Healing is all about true connection with another. What could you do to work on the connection you have?

3. Healers will embrace what they most fear and will not sweep things under the carpet Healers learn to be patient and trust the process. Are you addicted to the need to know all the answers?

4. They have an ability to equally give and receive. How does this relate to you?

The Visionary.

The visionary (another which I very high in) makes the truth visible and they seek and express truth. They tell the truth without blame or judgement and are authentic in all that they do.

1. Visionaries see things as they are, not how they want them to be but the truth of the situation. Where may you be lying to yourself as a parent? They never exaggerate situations to gain acceptance from others. If you child is someone who throws tantrums or blows things out of proportion, then they may have a strong need for acceptance.

2. They tell the truth in all situations; they understand that speaking their truth carries integrity, however they know that speech must be timely and in context. How do you tell yourself the truth and pick the right time and the right place?

3. Visionaries rely on their intuition and are lead by spirit. They know that they have what they need, they just need to remember. Where are you looking for outside sources to give you the support you need?

4. The visionary breaks down false-self systems and encourages people to be their true self.

5. They understand the importance of humour. When we lose our smile we can only see things that are not working and we get stuck in our way of seeing things – humour helps us break out and shake out of our one-track way of seeing the world, which closes us down to other possibilities.

The Teacher.

Teacher teaches others to be wise. The teacher has wisdom, teaches trust and understands the needs for detachment.

1. How do you trust your child and show trust? Do your trust yourself? Without trust there is no ability for growth and accumulation of knowledge.

2. They never take action while they don’t have all the facts and will take time and wait and trust the correct answer will come to them. Where are you rushing in?

3. The teacher knows that you cannot control the uncontrollable and does not become attached to someone else’s result.

4. Teachers teach their wisdom but stay detached from the outcome. They know that when detached, we can calmly observe our reactions to the situation.

5. The teacher approaches new experience with wonder, excitement and curiosity. They do not handle the unfamiliar by becoming controlling and fearful.

6. Teachers are comfortable in silence and do not feel the need to fill the space.

What if your job as a parent was not to parent but just to develop these four areas more in your life. Does that feel different?

Sit down now and read through them, which ones are strong for you and which do you need to develop more? How can you go about getting the support you need to become the leader you need to be for your child?