Careers, Kids and Coping

What is working with the kids? What is not working?
How does your family cope with career-induced stress?

I recently read an article about Anna Friel, 32, who is starring in the new feature film “Land of the Lost.” The article revealed her personal struggles with balancing work and family life. Ms Friel, who has a 3 year old daughter, stressed that being a young working mother/actress can be “overwhelming at times.” She expressed that this juggling of acting and motherhood left her unable to sleep and on the verge of fainting during filming (“Celebs and Bubs,” Wednesday June 24, 2009.)

In my experience, I know that the nature of film work affects not only the working mothers in front of the camera and the talented female crew behind the camera, it also has an incredible impact on women who are married to “film people.” Many in the business have heard of these wives being referred to as “film widows” – married mothers who live a great deal of time as single people and as single parents.
I recall for a very brief time in my own marriage, after a string of feature films, I actually forgot that I was married. Married life wasn’t a life I felt like I was living.

I have always wondered how different film families do it. Many film women that I have talked to seem to have what I call the “head down – plow forward” approach to surviving the film business. Anna Friel was quoted as saying, “You just have to keep going – keep looking forward. If you stop, you’re like, “Oh God, its too overwhelming.” A camera operator’s wife I spoke with said, “I just don’t think about it. I just keep going.” A producer’s wife, with 3 kids, told me that, “It is feast or famine in the industry. We just keep going.”

Not all families in the film industry consider themselves that different from other families. A mother of 2, whose husband is in the camera department on the hit T.V. series “Smallville,” feels that “a lot of the challenges film families face are similar to challenges that all families face.” Although, I agree that many women have husbands with demanding jobs who travel on short trips and who work long hours – filmmaking can be very different. Some films involve location work in a totally different time zone that can take up to 6 months to complete. In other words, when the film worker makes himself available for work, he becomes sparsely available for family.

Recently, my life has been crazy. My husband Jim has been away on location since February and the kids have been so all-consuming that I even forgot a very close friend’s birthday – which is completely unlike me. To put things in perspective, I compiled a list of major milestones that have taken place, in Jim’s absence.

• holiday trip to Niagara Falls
• son’s hockey play – offs
• daughter’s 2 gymnastics competitions
• ballet exams
• spring hockey try-outs
• spring hockey season consisting of 4 away 3 day weekend tournaments
• a track meet
• daughter’s first date
• daughter’s first time having a boy over to watch a movie
• daughter’s birthday party
• daughter singing and dancing in a professional production of High School Musical
• high school exams
• family dog getting hit by a car
• prepping our house to go up for sale
• showing the house
• taking our son to summer camp for the first time
• watching our son sing his first solo as the Scarecrow in the “Wizard of Oz” in the school play

All in all, I realized that there has been a great deal going on!

How do I share these experiences with my hard working husband?
How can I make up for those lost moments for us as a couple?
What is working with the kids? What is not working?
How do I best cope?

In attempts to answer my own questions, I came up with a few rules I try to live by and parent by:

RULE #1: Leave the Bitch at the Door! For me, the bitch is the negative voice in my head that says, “I didn’t sign up for this!” That voice is simply destructive and counter-productive – so I leave it behind at all times!

RULE #2: Be Creative. I know for myself, some of my most challenging parenting moments are when I am most tired and in my least creative mindset. However, I do know that children are one of the greatest sources of creativity. Therefore, I stay engaged with my kids and spend lots of time with them to keep the creative juices flowing. As a result, my parenting becomes much less of a struggle.

Rule #3: Be Real and Honest. When I am at my best as a mom and a partner, I am working hard on my family life from a place of honesty and integrity. This makes my children strong, sure and spirited.

Rule #4: Dialogue, dialogue, and dialogue. When in doubt I ask. I ask the kids what is working? I ask them what is not working? I speak to my husband as much as possible! We keep open lines of communication at all times. Thank goodness for cell phones.

Rule #5: Be Positive. Although it is something I am constantly working on, I stress the power of positive thinking with the family. The mind is powerful and positive words nurture positive thoughts and experiences. In contrast, hard words of criticism immediately drain people of their energy and of their love of self.

Rule #6: Monitor and Adjust. Things change. Stay fluid. Make allowances. Be open to negotiation. Pick your battles. Follow your gut instincts.

In addition, a little bit of the “head down – plow forward” approach adds some punch to my “married but single parent” stride. Perseverance most definitely has its place.

(Copyright June 2009, Jane Richards – Family First Coaching)

Jane Richards
Family First Coaching
Phone: 705-259-2922
Email:jane@familyfirstcoaching.ca

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