Parents doing things differently

My teens have no rules and it works!

Recently on my blog I asked to hear from Parents who are “doing it differently” so I could share with you some great inspiration.

Here is my first “doing it differently” Parent Christy Bell who has some great insights to share.

if you are doing things differently I would love to hear from you.

I used to teach in a Montessori school for kids 6-18, and many of my parenting philosophies stem from that experience.

My own kids (2 sons) are now 16 and 17. My primary goal has been to support them as individuals and to develop strong and trusting relationships in the hopes that when they come across challenging situations they will feel safe coming to me. Sometimes I have advice for them and sometimes I am just a shoulder. In my dealings with them, I ask myself “Is what I am doing building or undermining our relationship?”

When they were small I found that many of my friends had rules for their small children which seemed quite arbitrary. The rules seemed to be all about adults controlling children rather than teaching them. I decided to create Happy House Rules. Our home had only 5 rules. No hurting live creatures, be gentle in actions and words, share-be fair, clean up your own mess, and be honest to yourself and others.

As time has passed, those rules are more than just “skin deep”. For example, Share-be fair…it used to mean that it is nice to share your toys, but perhaps you have a special toy or maybe a brand new toy. Is it fair to have to share that? From my experience, adults aren’t required to share all of their possessions. I very rarely share my car. Now, share-be fair, also refers to sharing your time, your opinions, your abilities. It may mean participating in peer tutoring programs or sharing a smile with a new student.

My goal has been to raise happy, confident adults. If I were doing it again, I believe my only goals would be to help my children get what they want and need with compassion for others. So, what does that look like? I can start with an example of what it doesn’t look like.

Recently I watched with interest of 2 parents dealing with their 15 month old. The parents were reading to themselves for relaxation and pleasure. The 15 month old was playing contently. Then the baby wanted some toy which was out of her reach. The parents told her no. She began to cry. I went to get the toy. The parents said no. They said she would get over it and they continued reading. Indeed, after a few minutes, the baby moved on.

I understand what they were doing. Their perspective may have included learning self-soothing, learning that one can’t always have what s/he wants, etc. My perspective of the same situation is a bit different. I would fear that this technique, over time, would teach a child to give up and (even more importantly) that the people one should most be able to count on (mom and dad) will let you down.

Let’s look at how the same scenario would look like from my perspective of wanting to teach a child how to get what s/he wants or needs with compassion for others.

First, keep in mind that my goal would be to not raise a selfish person, but a person who can be content with whatever it is he or she is doing.

Back to the scenario.

Mom and Dad are enjoying some much needed down time reading. Great! Child now wants some toy. Either mom or dad can turn this into a learning time. The other parent can continue relaxing. The child wants a toy. What is it she is wanting? More stimulation, some comfort, some interaction? If it is just the toy, why not get it? Will it really be more of an interruption to get the toy than hearing the crying? By consistently helping the child, you eventually teach them how to do it on their own AND keep the relationship strong.

Now let’s look at a made up situation that every parent has encountered. The arbitrary rule is for our made up 10 year old, no play time until homework is done. The child wants to go outside after school. Mom or Dad says, “No, you know the rule”. So how do you help the child get what s/he wants or needs with compassion for others? In this case compassion for others isn’t really relevant. But how does the child get what is wanted or needed? We know how the scene goes. A temper tantrum that ends with the child upset or the parent giving in. The child does or doesn’t get homework done. Either way, nobody wins. The home as become a battleground. Even if the child does get the outdoor play time it is with a little bit of damaged relationship. If the homework doesn’t get done, the child doesn’t get what s/he needs, even if s/he got what she thinks she wanted. A price is paid.

Instead, how could the parent take this opportunity to help the child learn how to get what s/he wants or needs? There are many answers that don’t end up hurting anybody. Could there be some compromise that the child helps control? Could the child be part of the decision process? Could the child be persuaded that maybe he really does want to learn and have successes at school? Could some energy be burned off by 30 minutes of play followed by homework, followed by more play? Could the homework be done sitting next to a parent, adding a little companionship, maybe then the child would want something different. Sometimes, after all, we don’t even know exactly what it is we want.

Are there times each and every day that we think we want one thing, but with some thoughtful examination we find we want something different. As an adult, we may want that chocolate cake, but with some thought we know we really would rather have some weight loss or the comfort of a loved one or a brief nap.

If practiced over years, within the context of a loving and trusting parent-child relationship, come the teen years teens can get what they want without hurting themselves or anyone else. Maybe they want to go to a keg party. Is that what they want? Or do they want to be cool, or with a bunch of friends, or to feel “grown up”. A parent can help the teen work through this. Instead of the keg party is there another “cool” option, wakeboarding or an island cookout sans adults. How many options might a trusted adult be able to help a teen think of?

Curfews? What is the point? Comfort of parents, safety of teens, rest,improved grades? Is there a way to make all of this happen? Absolutely. As adults, I think most of everyday is about getting what we want or need. Safety, security, food, shelter, acceptance, acknowledgment, love…

Why not teach our kids how to get what they want, all within the context of not harming others, and building relationships. Creating comfort in the choices we make. Accepting that each part of the day is only good or bad because of the way we perceive it.

And of course, sometimes parents just want to say “please don’t cut the dogs hair” and not have a big old long discussion. Guess what- if parents typically help children learn how to get what they want with compassion for others, then parents can say “honey, I know you want to cut the dogs hair, but now isn’t a good time. Can we talk about this later and now you go paint?”. Amazingly, the child will be fine with that.

If parents typically work with the child, ask themselves if they are building or tearing down walls, and trust that all really will be fine, then, when all is seemingly falling apart and anger is the current emotion, it is ok. The foundation is there.

And if the foundation isn’t there, it is never too late. If parents have been saying, “do this now because I said so” and they find that now teens have found it better to follow the lead of peers, there is time to re-build the relationship.