Parent’s choose your words carefully…they do matter

Parents of Teens and Tweens – Words that work!

How many times have you walked away from a conversation saying to yourself, “I can’t believe I just said that?”

Do you speak negatively about your spouse or ex-spouse in front of your kids and in front of others?

Do you allow resentment and anger to cloud your children’s perception of their parent?

My husband is filming a movie in a different city right now. He is there long enough that he even had his car shipped to his new temporary home away from home. During tax time, I had to pull our papers together a bit in advance so that I could get them to him to sign. I hurried (with wet hair) to the courier to get everything sent off and I ended up apologizing to the Purolator lady about my disheveled appearance.

“I am sorry that my hair is still wet, but between 3 kids, work, my husband working in a different city and it being tax time, doing hair is low on my priority list.”

Within seconds, this women launched into a personal story about how she would like to write a book about being the “married single mother.” She said, “You know, the mom who pulls most of the weight whilst her absentee husband is off doing who knows what.” She breathlessly explained how her husband came home from work one day and happened to barge in on her going to the toilet and breast feeding a baby, all at the same time. He boldly asked her what the heck she thought she was doing and she stated, right back at him with a strong tone of sarcasm, “I am doing exactly what I need to be doing right at this very moment.”

“Wow … testy,” I thought!

After hearing this woman’s story, I took the time to consider how I speak about my husband around other people, especially around my children, given that I can relate to this idea of being a “married single mother.” I know the words I choose when talking about him have a powerful affect on how our children perceive him.

What is it that I do and say to ensure that each one of our kids holds their dad in high regard and that each one experiences a strong, positive connection with him?

I know from experience that some of my peers make strong judgments about my husband given that his job can take him away from the kids for up to 4 months at a time. I have actually heard people say things like:

• “What kind of father misses his kid’s birthday party?”
• “What kind of dad misses 7 school talent shows in a row?”
• “What type of father misses almost an entire hockey season?”

In the early days, I found these comments hurtful. But over time, I have learned to ignore them and I have become very clear in my responses to them. Typically, I respond to such questions with,
“How about a hard working dad.” Or
“I don’t know about you, but I don’t hang out with people who don’t try their best.”

I cannot control what my peers think of my spouse or of our lifestyle. What I can control are the words that I use that clearly show our children that I respect and love their dad and that I hold him in very high regard. I assure them that we can all stay connected even when distance separates us.

I can control my thoughts and feelings about the influence the film business has on my husband and on our family and I can relay these perceptions and feelings to my children, with honesty.

Sarcasm and resentment serve no one and are left out of the mix.

My personal rules for talking about my husband in front of anyone, especially our kids, are:

Rule #1: I speak about him as if he were standing right beside me. I don’t say anything that he couldn’t hear first hand.

Rule #2: When in doubt of saying something positive and honest, I stop and think and I pick my words very carefully. Or, I say nothing.

Rule #3: I make a mental note of the tone I am using. (Kids can absolutely sense if you are being disingenuous.)

Rule #4: I answer my kids’ questions with complete honesty.

Sometimes, my kids do get down and ask questions like, “How come dad can’t coach soccer like the other dads?” or “How come dad misses all of my gymnastic competitions?” I find responding to such questions with complete honesty does help. I relay the message as clearly as I can that dad is only away because of work and he would love to be more involved if his job allowed for it. I take the time to highlight their dad’s unique, admirable qualities and I try to paint a clear picture of how he does contribute.

Rule #5: I encourage my kids to be empathetic and to reach out.

When there is something important or exciting going on at home, I encourage my kids to drop everything for a moment and call or email their dad about it. I encourage them to think about his feelings and about how much he would love to know about that big game, that first date or that sad moment.

Rule #6: I bring my husband into most of our conversations.

I say things like, “Your dad would really love this movie.” Or “Your dad would really like your new friend” or “Your dad would think that is so funny.”

There is no doubt that the way someone speaks to us effects how we think and feel about ourselves and about others. In turn, the words we choose when speaking to our children can effect how they think, feel and behave. Research in clinical psychology has shown that the way we interpret words we hear and how we describe situations that we experience can be very powerful in moderating how we feel. How we feel determines the way we act. (Globe and Mail, Section C p.1, Friday June 15, 2007.)

Positive words and positive self-talk can boost self-esteem and positive perceptions of others, while negative words (often dead-end or useless talk) can produce negative self-defeating thoughts, sabotaging self-talk, as well as, negative perceptions of others.

The language our children is exposed to can make a difference in how their individual characters develop and in how their relationships develop with you, your spouse and with other family members.

Word choice is powerful! Be selective and discerning about the words you choose to speak and how you speak them! The benefits are infinite!

(Copyright May. 2009, Jane Richards – Family First Coaching)

Jane Richards
Family First Coaching
Phone: 705-259-2922
Email:jane@familyfirstcoaching.ca