Tips for Parenting a Difficult Teen

Parenting a difficult teen can be an extremely challenging job.

If your teen is driving you mad here are some  tips that I recently write for TV Appearance – you are getting a sneak preview.

Don’t play them at their own game

More often than not, what your teenager wants is attention. They enjoy the battle and the power struggle that goes on. If you take away all the resistance and stay calm they have nothing to react to and eventually will get bored. Don’t lower yourself to their level – remember you’re the adult.

It’s not them it’s their behaviour

This is not about shifting responsibility or negating their involvement it is making sure that when you talk to your rebellious teen you come from this place. Communicate with them from a place of ‘I love you, but I do not like it when you do this.”

Change the why to how

When our teens exhibit behaviour we do not like to generally ask: “Why did you do that?” This results in the teen being defensive and ready for battle. Instead ask questions like: “I want to understand this, can you tell me how doing that made you feel?”

Zip your lips

Listen with your mouth shut and don’t assume you know all the answers. When your teen talks, listen from their point of view, get in their shoes, get a sense of how they feel, consider what their real issues are and respond from that place.
Take away the need to be right and ask yourself whether it’s more important to show love and understanding or to be right. This is about a lifelong relationship with your teen and if you can keep your relationship with your child then you’re half way there.

Give respect to get it

To give respect, your teenager needs to feel respected and shown what respect really is. Ask yourself if you show respect to your teenager, their space, their friends, their interests. Make a list of all the things you do respect about your teenager and when they come home from school tell them a least one of the things on the list.

Be Clear

Most arguments happen because a parent isn’t clear when they ask their teenager to do things. Explain what you want doing, what result you want, when you want it done by and the consequences if it doesn’t .

Create rules

House rules are needed but the older the teenager gets the fewer rules their should be.I suggest a maximum of five and they should be non-negotiable like no hitting, swearing etc.Create the rules with your teenager, discuss what the consequences should be if the rule is broken.Just telling them to do as they are told is not effective
Outside the rules, the rest of things in the house need to be negotiated by agreements. By doing this you are teaching your teenager valuable lessons about how the real world works. Instead of telling them to do the washing, tell them you want them to be responsible for the chores, discuss what they should be and the consequences for not doing them.

Give them choices, about what they do, when they do it and what will happen if they don’t.

Choice and state

If your teenager won’t do something, give them a choice. First give them a five-minute warning. If nothing happens they you employ the technique – give them a choice and then state what you will and will not do.You must follow through on the consequences if they don’t do as you ask so they no you mean it and then the next time you use this technique they will be more likely to listen.For example: “Dinner is on the table, it’s your choice whether you come down. When we have finished eating, I will be throwing the left over food away and I will not cook any more food. The choice is yours.”