Talking to your Teens

Having those difficult conversations with our teenager can put any parent into dread. Relationships/sex/peer pressure – they all carry a certain cringe factor. Pick a subject that you have found very difficult to talk to your teen about and tackle it head on without getting embarrassed or your teen putting their headphones back on
So if you want to have this kind of conversation with your teen then here are some tips.

1. Before any communication with your teenager, stop and breath and think how to respond knowing that this person has an A, knowing that deep inside this person really wants that A and wants to contribute in a constructive matter. Notice how differently you think, listen and communicate with your teen. By giving someone an A, you open up to transform yourself. Someone who has an A also has the ability to understand, therefore your thoughts and feelings are easier to share. So first things first is give both of you an A.

2. Ask your teenager if they are willing to talk to you about this subject. Do not just assume they will be, ask their permission. If they agree, ask when will be a good time. Let your teenager know that this is a different kind of conversation and they have control over when and how it happens.

3. Listen, listen listen! Listen with your mouth shut. Let your teenager talk to you without you saying, “When I was a teen…” or, “I know how you feel…” you don’t, so shut up and let them talk.

4. Don’t offer advice or comments, ask your teen what support they need from you. What do they need to know from you? Put the ball into the teen’s court, let them know that you will not push them into a solution or answer, you will offer the appropriate support that they need at that moment.

5. Let go of having to be right, of having to know the answer and having to be the expert. Just be with your teen wherever they are without trying to fix or solve. Nothing is broken, nothing needs fixing. Let go of your teen having to do things the same way you did, you are not making a mould of yourself, you are making a brand new adult, so ensure that you are instilling the conditions for adulthood by allowing your teen to learn and grow in their own ways.

And don’t forget Our Teen Conversation Cards

Parenting a difficult teen can be an extremely challenging job.

If your teen is driving you mad here are some  tips that I recently write for TV Appearance – you are getting a sneak preview.

Don’t play them at their own game

More often than not, what your teenager wants is attention. They enjoy the battle and the power struggle that goes on. If you take away all the resistance and stay calm they have nothing to react to and eventually will get bored. Don’t lower yourself to their level – remember you’re the adult.

It’s not them it’s their behaviour

This is not about shifting responsibility or negating their involvement it is making sure that when you talk to your rebellious teen you come from this place. Communicate with them from a place of ‘I love you, but I do not like it when you do this.”

Change the why to how

When our teens exhibit behaviour we do not like to generally ask: “Why did you do that?” This results in the teen being defensive and ready for battle. Instead ask questions like: “I want to understand this, can you tell me how doing that made you feel?”

Zip your lips

Listen with your mouth shut and don’t assume you know all the answers. When your teen talks, listen from their point of view, get in their shoes, get a sense of how they feel, consider what their real issues are and respond from that place.
Take away the need to be right and ask yourself whether it’s more important to show love and understanding or to be right. This is about a lifelong relationship with your teen and if you can keep your relationship with your child then you’re half way there.

Give respect to get it

To give respect, your teenager needs to feel respected and shown what respect really is. Ask yourself if you show respect to your teenager, their space, their friends, their interests. Make a list of all the things you do respect about your teenager and when they come home from school tell them a least one of the things on the list.

Be Clear

Most arguments happen because a parent isn’t clear when they ask their teenager to do things. Explain what you want doing, what result you want, when you want it done by and the consequences if it doesn’t .

Create rules

House rules are needed but the older the teenager gets the fewer rules their should be.I suggest a maximum of five and they should be non-negotiable like no hitting, swearing etc.Create the rules with your teenager, discuss what the consequences should be if the rule is broken.Just telling them to do as they are told is not effective
Outside the rules, the rest of things in the house need to be negotiated by agreements. By doing this you are teaching your teenager valuable lessons about how the real world works. Instead of telling them to do the washing, tell them you want them to be responsible for the chores, discuss what they should be and the consequences for not doing them.

Give them choices, about what they do, when they do it and what will happen if they don’t.

Choice and state

If your teenager won’t do something, give them a choice. First give them a five-minute warning. If nothing happens they you employ the technique – give them a choice and then state what you will and will not do.You must follow through on the consequences if they don’t do as you ask so they no you mean it and then the next time you use this technique they will be more likely to listen.For example: “Dinner is on the table, it’s your choice whether you come down. When we have finished eating, I will be throwing the left over food away and I will not cook any more food. The choice is yours.”

Autumn truancy figures show rise

The latest truancy figures for England show another rise, with an increasing number of pupils missing school to go on holiday.

The absence rate for primary and secondary schools rose from 6.26% in autumn 2007 to 6.42% last autumn.

The most common reasons given were sickness and family holidays, according to data from the government.

So how do you get your truanting teen back to school?

Getting your truanting teen or pre-teen back to school can be a very challenging process. The government in this country is still fining and in some cases imprisoning parents if their child skips school. The question on everyone minds is – is this the right thing to do?

Fundamentally I think it is and this is not a stab in the dark. During my days as a police officer I was on a number of truancy patrols and about 80% of the parents I spoke to knew that their child was off school; some even encouraged it. Some used excuses such as, “I needed someone to look after her little sister”, or, “I needed someone to carry the shopping.” In extreme cases I have arrested children truanting who had been caught shop lifting and actually had lists of things to steal written by their parents, and others who took their child shoplifting so they could, if caught, shift responsibility to the child and therefore not be prosecuted. Some of these cases were extreme I know but I have to say not isolated and I saw, at most, four of these a week. Surely parents who turn a blind eye to, or even encourage, truancy should be punished?

So, let’s turn our attention to the other 20%. These are the parents who believe that their children are at school. The ones who see them off in the morning, only to have the child come in through the back door as soon as the parents back is turned, the ones who really have tried everything from dropping them off at the school gates to a host of other punishments. What do we do with them? These parents need support, they need a system that can work efficiently and easily.

Recently, a coach I was supervising who is trained in our approach had a client whose son was truanting. Using the system I am going to describe below, they had the child back in full time education within 6 weeks.

I offer then, as a suggestion and a plea, that when issuing fines to parents, we do have some consideration for those who are trying their absolute best to get their child into full time education.

1. Firstly – State your intention to the child and ask for their support

“Paul, I want you to go to school and enjoy it, I want you to feel happy to go to school and learn – how can we make this happen?”

We must first tell the child what we want for them in a positive way, and then ask them how we can do it. If we as the Parents decide the best way forward and don’t include the child then you can absolutely guarantee that the child will not buy in.

If the child refuses to listen, just daily keep repeating the same thing.

2. Listen – listen to what your child has to say and listen with your mouth shut – no “When I was a child …”or, “ I know how you feel…” or, “You’ll never get anywhere without a education!” Listen, truly listen, listen for their interpretation of the situation and listen for what they may not be saying. There may be a valid reason this child is not going to school, which you may have to sort out.

3.Take your focus on what your child is doing wrong and focus on what you want – your child to go to school and be happy. Notice when you are focused on what you don’t want and shift it to what you do want. Begin to notice all the qualities your child has and all the good things they do and acknowledge these. What you focus on is what you get, so focus as much as possible on the good behaviour.

4.Make an agreement – see what you and your teen can make an agreement on when it comes to school – can you make an agreement that they go to school every Tuesday or that they get up every morning and get ready? What can you make an agreement on with them? Tell your child that this is what you want for them and that you make an agreement with them – what will they be willing to agree with?

5.Ensure that the child sticks to the agreement. If the agreement is broken then discuss with your child a natural consequence for that.

Keep following these steps and you will begin to see results. Your job as a parent is to ask your child how you can support them to get them into full-time education.