My Teenager and Respect

I found these great audios the other day that I did ages ago.

A step by step process to getting respect…Enjoy!

Blending the East and West Parenting Styles

As we prepare our children to face the ever shrinking world so that they not only survive but prosper, are we losing the ability to enthuse them with pride and respect for their roots? Do they even care about their culture? Or, are they more interested in fitting in with their friends? Many of our cultural traditions emerged from necessities of an age gone by, so is it possible to integrate them into our daily lives so our young people can choose to pass them onto future generations? Yes, definitely. With Y Generation we need to not only have these traditions in our lives but to take the time to explain and discuss them rather than saying, “Just do it.”

In our family we celebrate both Chinese and Western festivals. The kids think it’s great. They get Christmas presents, Lucky money at Chinese New Year (money in small red envelopes), Easter eggs and moon cakes. More importantly they get to know how these traditions came about. Do my children always agree with and happily follow the traditions of our mixed cultures? With two teenagers and one in the making, it’s a definite no. And they are very vocal about it which leads to some very interesting conversations. My husband and I, as with other couples, have some very different beliefs and traditions and quite honestly some of his drive me crazy. Jimmy’s belief in Feng Shui saw me reluctantly agreeing to swap our master bedroom with our 16 year old daughter last year as it would be “good” for us! Do I respect his right to practice his beliefs? Yes. Do I always agree them? No. I have learnt however, to find out why it’s important to him and look for ways that we can both keep our cultural identities. Our children benefit in many ways and though the use of the en suite bathroom all to herself is currently at the top of our daughter’s list, there are far more important benefits.

We cannot control what they will and will not follow but by being open, explaining what’s behind the traditions and making them as relevant as possible to today’s world, we have the opportunity of not only passing on respect for our cultures but also demonstrating respect for other people’s beliefs and traditions.

Read more about Parent Coach Carol

Autumn truancy figures show rise

The latest truancy figures for England show another rise, with an increasing number of pupils missing school to go on holiday.

The absence rate for primary and secondary schools rose from 6.26% in autumn 2007 to 6.42% last autumn.

The most common reasons given were sickness and family holidays, according to data from the government.

So how do you get your truanting teen back to school?

Getting your truanting teen or pre-teen back to school can be a very challenging process. The government in this country is still fining and in some cases imprisoning parents if their child skips school. The question on everyone minds is – is this the right thing to do?

Fundamentally I think it is and this is not a stab in the dark. During my days as a police officer I was on a number of truancy patrols and about 80% of the parents I spoke to knew that their child was off school; some even encouraged it. Some used excuses such as, “I needed someone to look after her little sister”, or, “I needed someone to carry the shopping.” In extreme cases I have arrested children truanting who had been caught shop lifting and actually had lists of things to steal written by their parents, and others who took their child shoplifting so they could, if caught, shift responsibility to the child and therefore not be prosecuted. Some of these cases were extreme I know but I have to say not isolated and I saw, at most, four of these a week. Surely parents who turn a blind eye to, or even encourage, truancy should be punished?

So, let’s turn our attention to the other 20%. These are the parents who believe that their children are at school. The ones who see them off in the morning, only to have the child come in through the back door as soon as the parents back is turned, the ones who really have tried everything from dropping them off at the school gates to a host of other punishments. What do we do with them? These parents need support, they need a system that can work efficiently and easily.

Recently, a coach I was supervising who is trained in our approach had a client whose son was truanting. Using the system I am going to describe below, they had the child back in full time education within 6 weeks.

I offer then, as a suggestion and a plea, that when issuing fines to parents, we do have some consideration for those who are trying their absolute best to get their child into full time education.

1. Firstly – State your intention to the child and ask for their support

“Paul, I want you to go to school and enjoy it, I want you to feel happy to go to school and learn – how can we make this happen?”

We must first tell the child what we want for them in a positive way, and then ask them how we can do it. If we as the Parents decide the best way forward and don’t include the child then you can absolutely guarantee that the child will not buy in.

If the child refuses to listen, just daily keep repeating the same thing.

2. Listen – listen to what your child has to say and listen with your mouth shut – no “When I was a child …”or, “ I know how you feel…” or, “You’ll never get anywhere without a education!” Listen, truly listen, listen for their interpretation of the situation and listen for what they may not be saying. There may be a valid reason this child is not going to school, which you may have to sort out.

3.Take your focus on what your child is doing wrong and focus on what you want – your child to go to school and be happy. Notice when you are focused on what you don’t want and shift it to what you do want. Begin to notice all the qualities your child has and all the good things they do and acknowledge these. What you focus on is what you get, so focus as much as possible on the good behaviour.

4.Make an agreement – see what you and your teen can make an agreement on when it comes to school – can you make an agreement that they go to school every Tuesday or that they get up every morning and get ready? What can you make an agreement on with them? Tell your child that this is what you want for them and that you make an agreement with them – what will they be willing to agree with?

5.Ensure that the child sticks to the agreement. If the agreement is broken then discuss with your child a natural consequence for that.

Keep following these steps and you will begin to see results. Your job as a parent is to ask your child how you can support them to get them into full-time education.

Business Building for Parent/Teen Coaches.

OK, as most of you know, a few weeks ago I took to the hills and set out on a 79-mile long distance walk over 5 days. You can view the video to see what happened but basically, after 50 miles I was really, really ill and had to retire. In that absolute down moment of realising that I truly was not going to make it a strange thing happened. As we sat in a church ( it was cold and rainy that day) waiting for someone to come and get me I realised that how I approached this walk was how I approached everything in life, including my business, and that was a good thing. Let me explain why.

1. Just like preparing for this long distance walk, I did not know what to expect when I started my business. So I went in enthusiastically, maybe a little naively.

2. Over half way through I realised that I had pushed myself too hard and needed to regroup and focus. My mental energy was spent and I need to recharge. I do this often in my business.

3. Instead of beating myself up about what I had not done, I marvelled in the fact that I had walked 50 miles. Just as I do when something does not work quite as expected in my business.

4. After a recharge I asked myself a very important question. What have I learnt so that when I do this next time I can be more prepared and go further? I do this all in my business.

Running a business is, I believe, all about failure because if you never fail you are probably never moving forward and trying new things. The key is to fail better than you failed before, so the next walk I go on I may not get to the end but I will get further than I went before that. There will be some reading this, wincing and thinking how could I be so negative, what about the law of attraction here, how can you want to fail? Well you see, for me failure is a time to celebrate; it means I have taken a risk and it means I have learnt something and most of all, embracing failure means I will never beat myself up and that to me is key. I see so many business owners put so much pressure on themselves and then beat themselves up when things don’t go how they wanted. I never ever want to be that way. All I have to worry about is failing better then I failed before And it has stood me well.

So what can you take from my insights and apply to your business?

How to get through the Teen Years.

The teenage years have become linked intrinsically to bad behaviour and appalling attitude, and the stereotypical images we see on TV do not help. But are they really that bad?

Well, the answer is yes, they can be and no, not if you don’t allow it.

1. Enough is enough !

First you have to make the decision that is enough is enough, and what you will and will not accept in the house. Many parents fear being strong as they think their teen will shout and be difficult; they just don’t want the conflict. If you want the behaviour and attitude to stop, then you have to step up and be prepared to do what you must. Make a list now of the things that you want to stop.

2. Set very clear boundaries.

When you have figured out what you want to change then get very clear what your boundaries are around these things. Now these are not a list of rules, they are a list of the furthest limits that you are prepared to go to. A list of your absolute cut-off points, so to speak, a list of what is and is not acceptable to you – the bottom line. Some of these may be negotiable, e.g. curfew times and some may not be, e.g. sharing in the housework. Go back to the list and deicide which are negotiable and which are non-negotiable.

3. Have a conversation.

Once you have got clear, have a conversation with your teenager if at all possible. Tell them that you are not happy with their behaviour/attitude of late and that you want to talk about this and set some guidelines up so everyone is happy. If they want to talk, great; if they will not, then let them know that you will be setting the boundaries with or without them, however you would like their input. In this conversation you will let them know the non-negotiable boundaries (try and get no more than five here), and you will be discussing the negotiable boundaries and the consequences of breaking them.

4. Deal with the non-negotiable boundaries swift and quickly.

Most parents fail in improving behaviour and attitude because they fail to step in quick enough when something happens that they are unhappy with. It is a bit like the frog situation – if you put a frog in a pan of boiling water it will jump out, however if you put it in a pan of cold water and heat it up gradually the frog will cook to death. By putting up with small things everyday you are doing what the frog is doing – tolerating something that could potentially be damaging. The place I see this most is in how parents allow their teenager to talk to them on an everyday bases. If we allow swearing, talking to us with no respect, etc., then our teenager will think that this is the acceptable. So when one of your non-negotiable boundaries is stepped over, here is what to do.

Let your teenager know what they are doing,

Let them know it is unacceptable,

Ask them to stop.

Tell them what will happen if they continue.

5. Keep consistent

Once you are started with the four-step approach above you need to make sure that you are consistent. If you allow something one day and not the next, then whatever you do will have no impact. You need to apply this every time your child steps over a non-negotiable boundary.

6. Keep your emotions in check.

Most households are run on emotions, both the parents and the teenagers; if you react to your teenager from emotion only, then it will be very difficult to deal with the hard and fast rules of the situation. When you are responded to a badly behaved teenager it is best to respond from a factual place, leaving the emotions as something that you deal with away from your teenager. Dealing with the facts allows you to stay calm and consistent, even in the most trying situations. For each challenge get a piece of paper and split it in half; on one side write facts and the other side feelings. The fact is simply a fact – you arrived home at 11 when we agreed 10, you swore at me, you shouted at me, etc. Then on the other side write the feelings and this is all the stuff that is going on inside of you, how you feel about the situation, the stories you are telling yourself about the situation, I feel out of control. I fell like a bad parent, I fell like something will happen to you. When you have the lists, they allow us to untangle all the emotions we have vested in a particular thing when we are dealing with them all together. It appears overwhelming and we do not know where to start. The feelings of a situation are far more challenging to deal with then the facts, so if we can list the facts and deal with these first then the feelings may begin to change. For example, “The fact that you swore at me is easier to deal with then the feeling that it makes me feel like I am a bad parent. If I tell you it is not OK for you to swear at me and walk away from you when you do it – that is an easy thing to do – you will then in turn stop swearing at me and then I will begin to feel like a better parent”.

How does parenting in other countries differ? Are teenagers from other countries different?

This was a question that I got asked recently, which really got me thinking how cool it would be to get parents to write about parenting in other countries and what it is like for them. So if you are a parent who would like to write about parenting and its ups and downs in your country then please do get in touch, as I would to feature your work on this site.

Read International Parenting here