Getting your kids to do what you ask

I was recently reading something on the Love and Logic site about what they call enforceable statements. I thought it was such a great technique that I wanted to share it.

As those of you who have been around me for a while know, I am trained in Choice Theory and I believe that the fact we think we can control another is the biggest myth going and in fact, what makes us so miserable.

We all know that when someone tells us what to do, we are less likely to do it. In fact, there was a joke made of this in the Simpsons, where Homer had a parenting card that said, “Whatever you want the boy to do, ask the opposite.”

This quirk of human nature was researched by Dr. Raymond Wlodkowski. He found that when we are ordered to do something, we subconsciously sense a loss of personal control. This is increased if a threat is stated with the order such as, “If you don’t eat your peas, you are not going to get dessert.” We’ve all seen the results of this kind of threat. The situation usually goes downhill rapidly. What was once a happy mealtime becomes the scene of a power struggle as both the adult and child tries to regain control.

Dr. Wlodkowski’s Threat Cycle research led Love and Logic to develop the technique called Enforceable Statements. They found that when kids tell themselves the possible threat, there is far less resistance. And is that not how we operate as adults? We know what the possible threats are, which is why we do or do not do something, yet we are not letting our children learn this vital skill.

The example they used in Love and Logic was about mealtimes and that, “Eat your peas or you are not getting any desserts.” They suggest changing this to, “I’ll be serving dessert to everyone who eats peas.” The youngster can say to himself, “Uh oh, I might not get dessert,” but doesn’t readily identify the threat as coming from the adult.

How simple, yet how effective? I think there is so much scope for this in our homes; it is a simple statement of what we will do in a way that will not damage the relationship.

I think with teens that we have to do it in a slightly different way and coerce them to speak. Let me give you an example. Recently, my daughter came to me asking if her friend could stay over. Normally not a problem at all, other than at this point my house was a tip and the thought of having to deal with her friend and a messy house was not appealing! So I said that I would love that to happen, but my challenge was that the house was a mess and I had no time to clean it. If we could solve this, then everything would be fine.

She went away and thought about it, coming back saying that she would Hoover and I could clean the surfaces. That was fine, I had time for that. I told had her what the problem was and helped her help me put it right. The enforceable statement was that anyone can come over to a clean house!

How do you use enforceable statements in your home?

I now offer individual Behaviour & Discipline advice by phone!

Call my advice line any time on 0905 675 4611 – if I’m not available I will ring you straight back.

(£1.20/min from a BT landline; calls from mobiles and other networks may vary.)

I was very pleased to see bulying uk  talking about twitter although most of the youth I speak to  are not willing to give up there chat for twitter quite yet.

Is Twitter really a risk?

However what did worry me is that I think this report missed out the most important risk for youth on twitter.

I personally think sharing photos, videos and not showing your location will do little to protect youth from the real risk which is seeing inappropriate content.

The best advice you can give your child is to not follow anyone they don’t know. If you don’t follow them they can not send you a direct message . Most people’s direct messages are just full of sexual spam stuff you really do not want them seeing.

Read Sarah’s Parent’s Guide to Twitter

How to wake your little darling up without a slanging match.

Missed the first article read it here Teenagers and Sleep

Here are my suggestions for getting them up.

• Go in at least an hour before they have to get up and open their curtains – natural light is a gentle way to bring someone around from a deep slumber.
• Get a very loud alarm clock in their room and set it for thirty minutes before they have to get up. Put it somewhere where they have to get up to switch it off.Then, if they are not up, go in five minutes before they are due to get up and in a stern authoritative voice, tell them it is time to get up.Do this two more times and then leave them to it.

  On the last occasion tell them that you will not be coming in anymore.

  A side note here is that making them go to bed early to get up early may not be a solution. Melatonin levels (which induce sleep) kick in much later with adolescents and sometimes will not peak until one or two in the morning. So even though they may go to bed, their pleas of, “I can’t get to sleep!” may actually be true. They are just not wired the same as we are when it comes to sleep.

   

Punishing and Discipline – a rant

A recent study highlights the fact that today’s parents have forgotten that sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind! One in four parents refuse to discipline their children because they are worried they might upset them.

This survey led This Morning to do a phone-in for parents who wanted advice on disciplining their children.

What followed was controversial, to say the least. Denise, the agony aunt gave some solid advice and the child was at the centre of her responses, which is a pleasure to see. While her advice was maybe not as practical as it could be, I admired her for going against the grain.

However, the onslaught she received on the This Morning Facebook page made me very angry, to say the least.

With comments like,

“Personally I think they should have got Super Nanny in to give advice, I thought Denise’s advice was nambypamby and far too soft”.

“Could not agree more Carly…..to tell a caller that her daughter had suffered enough after trashing her mums house was ridiculous. Is it any wonder kids are out of control when there are no consequences for their actions? Bring on Super Nanny!

“Bring back the cane…. teach them to respect the fact that they could be caned – it’s a deterrent more than anything – I think they should bring back birching too; don’t look so big in front of their mates then, do they?”

“No offence to Denise, but it’s people like her that have made the UK the way it is!! I think they need a new agony aunt on This Morning”.

“I know if I’d come home to find my daughter had trashed my house, I wouldn’t be held responsible for my actions! Lets just say that if she was my daughter, she wouldn’t see sunshine for a while! My parents never left me alone because of that, but to tell the mum that she had punished the daughter enough was utterly ridiculous. I sat with my mouth hanging open, incredulous at what she was saying. I’m sure that, whilst the house was being trashed, the daughter couldn’t give a monkeys. They have no idea of the value of money, what it takes to accumulate household items. The mum sounded distraught, but the advice was, never mind, put your arm round her and tell her its OK. What does that say to the daughter? Never mind, its not my fault, it was my mates, I’ll just blame them and get off scot free!”

Anyway I could go on and on, but I won’t. For me, these comments are what is wrong with the country and believe me, Supernanny cannot solve them. What is it with this country that we think when our children make mistakes they need to be punished? What is it about the Generation X parents that thinks our children should pay big time? Maybe it is because as a generation of youth, we were pretty ignored; maybe we are jealous because now we are living in a more child-centred society. To me, thinking that Supernanny and punishment is the answer to all our problems is totally ridiculous.

As parents, our job is to teach, guide and empower, surely not to punish, control and belittle? Or it it just me that has lost the plot?

These quotes say it all to me.

“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much.” Marian Wright Edelman

“What we do to our children, they will do to society.” Pliny the Elder

If we believe, as a society, that our children need caning for making a mistake, then what are we teaching them?

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we should be our children’s friends, I don’t think that we shouldn’t teach them about responsible behaviour and I think that there should be consequences, however I do feel that every person, child or not, has the right to be treated as a human. I believe that every child and every situation is different and I don’t believe that the Naughty Step will do you any good when your child turns around and tells you where to go. I think that firm, fair and consistent parenting is the key. Remember, you are dealing with a human!

We need to build strong relationships with our children if we are to have any influence on them, not alienate or blame them for everything that happens.

There is a difference between punishment and discipline.

Discipline is about being committed, being in control and training to improve behaviour. When it comes to parenting, it means a disciplined approach that allows parents to stay in control and improve their teens behaviour. Discipline does not mean punishing….

Punishing is

Not sure about you, but I certainly don’t want to be doing any severe handling of my children.

How can we be surprised if our children do what they do? I certainly think I would misbehave if this was the opinion most people had about me.

What do you think? Do you agree should we be harsher? Are we too soft ?

Oh, and by the way, if punishing worked wouldn’t all our children be little angels by now!

Parenting Teens

My Teen will not listen to me what should I do?