The transition to the Teen Years

Why are the teen years so difficult?

The transition to the teen years can be a painful and difficult one. As Parents you need to help them navigate these waters. But how do you help them do that? Well first you need to understanding a little about what is going on in the teen years.

I am still in the school and after another week, what has become even more apparent to me is the significance of Year 9 (13/14 years old). The difference between a Yr 7, 8 and a Yr 9 is quite immense and I believe that the critical year is year 9; what happens here may influence the rest of the child’s schooling, yet apart from options, it appears to get left alone a lot. So why is it significant?

Well, there are many reasons and I want to share one with you – transitions. The teen years contain some of the most important life transition stages, i.e. school – college and school – work. These transitions cause stress for the teens as they search for a new sense of balance in their lives.

Let me explain how this works. Any transition has three stages and, start to finish, can take three years. These stages are System, Stress and Balance.

System

We live, whether we like it or not, in systems – family systems, work systems, society systems and of course for teenagers a school system. Each system has it’s own goals and interests, which may not necessarily be the same as the individuals goals and interests.

For example, the school has a system of wearing a school uniform which may not be a system that the child agrees with, the family has certain system which as the teenager grows and develops may not match their own. As a child gains abstract thought (approx. 13 years, year 9) they begin to question these systems and the goals and interests within it. This is not rebellion, just testing – they need to question each system to see if it is one they want to carry forward into adulthood or not. The teenager begins to separate their system self from their true selves and of course, some conflict follows.

For a parent this means that suddenly things the teenager use to do and like change and parenting styles that use to work no longer have any effect. This is why they are increasingly more interested in their friends (who are also in this conflict). This can make parents panic and try even more to enforce a system, which in turn causes, more conflict. As a parent at this stage you need to take more of a consultative approach with your teenager, looking at what they would want to change and coming to agreeable outcomes. This will be far more beneficial for all concerned and will in fact teach the teenager that they do indeed have control over their lives and the decisions they make.

Stress

The teenager’s separation of the system-self to their true self causes them a huge amount of stress. The teenager begins to realise the increasing disparity between their system-self and their true self and does not know what to do about it. They begin to focus only in the short term, are driven by status symbols, have outer-directed priorities and have reactive decision making, which to an adult in the balance stage is hard for us to comprehend. In this stage, the teen is in a relentless rush, never stopping to catch their breath.

As a parent, just recognizing this stage can take the pressure off you both. Knowing that what they are doing is just a natural progression and not about our parenting and us is help enough! Supporting them to make decisions on what is important to them and supporting them get a great sense of self is very helpful in this stage.

Balance

As the young person matures and begins to make sense of their system-self and true self and integrate the two, they reach balance, they know who they are and what they are good at. They are more focused on the long-term; they have meaning and are inner-directed.

Clarification that they do eventually get there is helpful . This can also answer the question why a very disrupted year 9 student can, in year 11, become more resigned to the fact that they don’t behave in English because they are “not very good at it”, as one student said to me today – maybe right or wrong, that is what he had take to be his true self. This is why when a child is 13/14 we need to be very careful what we say to them about their capabilities. If we tell them at this crucial stage that they are not good at certain things then they may choose that as one of their “systems” and carry it forward to adult life.
My coaching programmes are set up to deal with this transition and give teenagers the real and practical advice and support they need at this time in their lives. Lets give you an example and take Aaron (16), who came to me six months ago. His parents were deeply disappointed that he would not join the army and that he appeared so unhappy. Aaron’s Dad and Granddad had both been in the forces and it was assumed that he would do the same (a family system). Aaron, however, had no intention of doing this; he realized that this was not what his true self wanted and he was rebelling against the system – he was in stress. On completing the Highlands Ability Battery, it became obvious that Aaron was creative, an artist and a true introvert, none of which were a good match for the army. As I began to work with him, it became clear that Aaron wanted to own his own business and he had a keen interest in graphic design, which suited his ability pattern. His gift was in translating thoughts, ideas and words into image. Together, we worked on his communication and devised Strategies for him to speak to his parents about this and break away from the family system. Aaron is due, In September, to start at college, studying graphic design and business and his parents are delighted that he is happy and content. Aaron is moving towards Balance. Of course, this system is not exclusive to the teen years. Throughout our lives we are likely to experience this kinds of transition seven more times. Lets just hope that we don’t have households with teens and parents going through the same transition at the same time – now that would be one great big challenge!

Information based on Don’t Waste Your Talent – Bob McDonald and Don Hutcheson